Wednesday, August 5, 2009

KaddyShack Guild Takes “Tiger House”, Fact or Fiction??

By: TadBit Takanawa

Breaking News here at our News 4 Center. Has the KaddyShack Guild really taken the Tiger House from the Army in Motion Guild? Reporting Live on the ground in the Shot Online Square, in nearby Tiger Territory is Asian Reporter TadBit Takanawa. ‘TadBit…take it away’….Thank you Diane, Yes; this seems to be the case. This story is still unfolding; however I have first hand information that this is indeed a fact. Where, you ask??...ME!!! I am a member of the KaddyShack Guild, and when I’m not reporting for News 4, you can often see me playing, terribly I might say on Hela Course, out behind the Tiger House. We are about to move in for a closer look now, and there seems to be a lot of activity in and around that end of the square near Potters and The Tiger House. I am hearing what appears to be loud sobbing noises at the moment. It looks like it is coming from a small group of very cold and shaken members of the Army in Motion Guild. Our Guild Enforcers Nomad1, Wild-Bill and Xzerus are currently evicting these individuals from the house. Some appear to be soiling themselves. I will try and get a quote from one, but I can’t promise, as most seem to be overwhelmed with grief. Wait Diane; there is something happening out behind Potters. I’m going in for a closer look. Biff Hardbody the News 4 camera man is going in with me. AAAHHHHHHHHHH…, please; tell me I didn’t see what I thought I just seen. Somebody, quick, gouge out my eyes. Oh my God, Oh my God. Diane…I am at a loss for words at the moment. The former Guild Master and ‘Boss’ of Kaddy Shack, HackandSlash is performing some sort of sexual act on a small Pygmy Goat. My Cameraman tells me these small, innocent and protected animals come from the Cameroon Valley of West Africa. He also tells me that this ritual is known as felching. My knees went weak Diane. I am currently being helped away from this horrible crime scene by Biff. We are now going to take a look at the inside of the Tiger House if I can regain my footing. Renovations are in full swing at the moment and we will try and get some sort of perspective as to what these new changes are. We will try and speak with some of the contractors doing the work. Excuse me sir…I’m TadBit Takanawa with News 4; why are you replacing these windows in the building? They seem to be perfectly good. “These are shatterproof windows we’re installing Miss Tad”. Why are you installing shatterproof glass? “Isn’t Hela Course just mere steps away from the back of this building little lady?” Well, yes it is. “Do you have a Golfer named trafford05 in this Guild Miss?” Ahhhh, yes we do…. Ok say no more, thank you. Moving on Diane….Over here in the center of the Tiger House, they seem to be putting in a Dance Pole, requested, I am told by Damifino28. He just loves to support single moms. This is for the young ladies of the Guild; MckyM_26....PaulaCreamerxxx….misstressG....Es2sgirl to entertain the so called gentleman here. Wow, that’s more pole than I can handle Diane. Did I just say that out loud?? Oh my; someone stuff something into my mouth; quick. Ohhh crap, I did it again. There’s another member of the new Tiger Brigade BigDumbLefty standing nearby with a T-Shirt that says “I would like to stuff more than dollars bills into that G-String” Once again, moving on. I am now seeing what appears to be a small door being cut leading into a room, that I must say, I will definitely not enter. xSINISTERx, another fine Shackster is at the entrance and we will refrain from approaching him. However, I can see a small sign above that door that reads “If you are over 3’ 2” tall, KEEP THE FUCK OUT”. That’s our Sin. It has got to be his special Audio/Video room for the production of his films. He has a very lucrative Midget Porn Business. This business, I understand Diane is highly illegal in every State in the USA but Arkansas. There is also a small booth set up outside xSINISTERx’s studio; that reads “PaulCK’s Special Gel” cures everything from Hang Nails to Hemorrhoids. Also a great Male Enhancement Cream. I must say Diane, that this Gel works wonders if you can get past the burning. I have tried it on my most sensitive areas….errrrrr… I mean my skin and it is fantastic….wooooow. Well, we’ll be getting out of the way here and let these folks get back to work. We are now heading to the roof area where much work is taking place. I am seeing what I believe is a landing pad up here and Andy245 is standing on it. It looks as though he is in somewhat of a trance. Andy, can we get a couple of words from you? Andy, Andy…come in Andy. Wait Diane, there appears to be a bright light in the sky coming towards us at a high rate of speed. I’m not sure what it is. This is incredible. It’s getting closer, no wait……OH NO….SHITTTTTTTT……TadBit….TadBit, this is Diane. Well folks, it seems as though we are experiencing some sort of difficulty here. As soon as we re-establish communications with Tad and Biff on the ground we’ll have more on the KaddyShack takeover of the Tiger House. Now for the local weather.... Skippy, take it away……THE END

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Hack Steps Down, PaulCK Steps In

In a stunning development HackandSlash has stepped down as Guild Master of KaddyShack. PaulCK has gained control of the guild it appears via his damn irish luck.

"I just can't do it anymore," said a relieved Hack, "these muppets are just driving me crazy with all the attention they need. Not to mention all the self cleaning and ball washing that I have to witness. Oh, I thought we were talking about my cats!"

PaulCK seems very confident in his successful take over of KaddyShack. "Its really quite simple. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. KaddyShack will continue to set the standard for guilds within Shot Online. I still can't believe that a simple box of goat porn is all it took to take over the guild."

"Well in all fairness I did ask shoootermcgavin if he wanted the guild back," said Hack. "He said he needed to take a quick smoke break and he never got back to me."

"Well I really did want to take over the guild," said a disappointed BigDumbLefty, " but how can I run a guild when that bastard kevinj1 is around all the time asking my wife if she wants to take a spin 'Around The World' as he calls it."

We spoke to Wild-Bill but he told us that he was way to busy to even attempt running the guild. He told us that all of his free time has been taken up with his newest business adventure of a sex change shop. His penis removal kit is in its final stages of getting a patent and should be on the Home Shopping Network by Christmas.

When we spoke to stephencbt he was quoted saying, "I was told that there was a height requirement. Its bad enough I am not tall enough to ride half of the rides at DisneyWorld. Hell, they told me to go to Kansas and look for the yellow brick road."

According to markthefish, "I was feeding Hack as much alcohol as I could but before I knew it he was trying to call the dragon for a felch. Then he pissed himself and fell asleep."

The last submaster we spoke to was xzerus, "Well I had an opportunity to take over the guild but I had already wrestled the tournament team away from stephencbt. I am having enough fun with that."

We have heard rumors but cannot confirm that LrdDrkHlmt has already asked PaulCK for ng to take his tests again. Andy245 has also been rumored to be the head of security for PaulCK. There has been an investigation into the reappearance of Khiss, xTazz, and Abigal now that Hack has been replaced. However it is rumored that Abigal escaped the clutches of Hack's dungeon.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Stephencbt Doesn't Measure Up

Overlooked by many, in fact everyone to be honest, a tiny story broke in New York recently revealing one of our prominent members, stephencbt, is in fact a short-ass.
Known to all in KaddyShack as the Bus Company running, Aston Martin driving, Gold Box-aholic, stephencbt revealed his stunning deficiency at a recent golf outing with 2 other KaddyShack members, JollyJAF and “Shacker of the Year”, Pisgah-Bear.

“I’ve lived with this all my life” revealed Stephen, as we sat in the clubhouse on matchboxes drinking espresso’s.
“I never had the courage to tell anyone about my height until now, well, except for my best friends growing up, Action Man, Barbie & Ken. They never, well almost never, looked down on me because I was short. I always dreamed of being a normal bloke. I had heroes and role models just like everyone else. Stuart Little had a big influence on my childhood”.

In a moving interview, Stephen gave us a brief, insight into his childhood. “It was the simple things I missed out on as a child. I did have normal sized friends to start with but after the first couple of times we played hide-and-go-seek they didn’t want to know me anymore”, he said holding back the tears. His lack of height first hit home when he turned 7, in school. “I knew something was up when my classmates started making models of buildings out of Popsicle sticks and the teacher gave to my parents for me to live in at home”.

We tried to get some comments from other KaddyShack members in relation to this breaking story. While playing Cadeiger, we caught up with Trafford05 on the 13th hole of Rufus recovering another ball and asked for his thoughts. “Ha-ha!! What goes around comes around”, Traff told us, crying with laughter. “That little fecker has taken the piss out of me for the last 12 months because I go O.B so much. Well, I’ll play a round of golf with him later to cheer him up. I’m running low on tees anyway”.
We approached the GM, HackandSlash for his thoughts. “It explains a lot”, the boss told us. “At least we know now why he doesn’t use the auction house himself, because he can’t get up the stairs!” We asked him to give us his thoughts on Stephen but there was a bleating noise in the background, Hack got all fidgety, made his excuses and left.
PaulCK was equally unsympathetic. “I suppose this means he’s going to want the kiddie discount on the 48 tubes of gel he bought last week. Well, he can fuck off. There’s no refunds!”
Andy245 wasn’t surprised at all. “I’ve known for ages”, he told us. “When I was abducted by aliens for the third time last September and they probed me, it wasn’t like the previous times. This probe moved around. When they took it out I realised it was CBT. I originally thought I was dreaming and that Traff had hit another one O.B and that Stephen was looking for it in my ass but it all makes perfect sense now”.

Finally, we caught up with JollyJaf and Pisgah-Bear and got their thoughts. PB was, as usual, his diplomatic self. “To be honest with ya, me and Jolly feel like we got short changed. Those crooks in the clubhouse charged us admission for 3 adults”.

Action Man, Barbie, Ken and Stuart Little were unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The World According to Lord Dark Helmet

Hello my fellow Shackers! It seems that Damifino has lost is mind and giving me free reign to write anything I want in the Enquirer. I don't know about you but I find this very cool. I mean, I can say ANYTHING! I however will restrain myself, OK who am I fooling. I HAVE NO RESTRAINT!

In the World According to Lord Dark Helmet I'm going to give my opinion on a great many things. All I find funny and if you don't, well that's your problem and file all complaints with Hack2. Before I get into anything else I must first wish Andy245 good luck on his journey to be a semon. I also want to congratulate JoeBlo and HackandSlash on losing your TP Status. I'm not jealous or anything, I'm not laughing my ass off. Well OK, maybe I am but hey. I'm an asshole so what do you expect?

I saw trafford05 and toomer repelling off the tee box on the 2nd hole of Cads. When I asked them what they were doing trafford05 said "Getting all the golf balls we've lost, no bugger off!" I wish you guys good luck with your quest, your going to be there awhile. I also had the idea of asking Khiss a question but I heard him mumbling "AH AH AH, I want to drink Nomad's blood!" When I shared this with Nomad his reply was "Leave me alone! I'm eating my doughnuts!"

I've also recently had to wear sunglasses when playing with adonis. He looks like the KaddyShack version of Elton John. All he needs are the heart glasses but hey! I'm not judging or anything.

Well, it seems that is the World According to Lord Dark Helmet. Until next time my fellow Shackers I'm out!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Andy245 Goes To The High Seas

Our beloved Andy has joined the Coast Guard Auxiliary unit in Washington State. Of course his first attempt at getting on a boat went badly when he wasn't allowed to be a tugboat captain. Of course when they asked him who would be on his crew and he said Lieutenant Dan and kevinj1, you could probably see that one coming.

"I've always enjoyed water", said Andy, "I drink it all the time. As a matter of fact water makes up most of the earth. Did you know that and isn't that crazy?"

Crazy is the perfect one word to describe Andy. When we asked him what he was going to be doing for the Coast Guard he started off by saying something about Black Beard and Red Beard terrorizing the Puget Sound and he wanted to see if they were with the Russians.

"We had to explain to Andy several times that Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain Hector Barbossa are fictional characters," said Andy's new captain, Captain Hooker, "He keeps insisting that our crew should be made up of Popeye and Poopdeck Pappy. We've even caught him with the local one legged prostitute here and he keeps calling her The Sea Hag. We just call her Peggy."

"I'm so excited about this new job," said Andy, "I have been practicing at home by playing a lot of minesweeper on the computer. I'm getting pretty good at it too. I've been told that Davy Jones' Locker is even around here somewhere. I'm willing to bet that is what the aliens are looking for. Other than stealing cows milk that is."

So good luck to you Andy in your newest adventure. Hopefully this job will work out for you. Lord knows that if it doesn't the next job we see Andy in will still be on the high seas at Long John Silvers asking if you want fries or hush puppies with your order.