Saturday, November 22, 2008

Sart Has Baby. Search For Real Father Begins

The long awaited time has finally arrived. Sart gave birth to a girl. Now the other part of the equation begins. Who is the real father?

"I've never seen anything quite like it," said Nurse Betty. "I'm used to seeing alot of people coming by the nursery to look at all the newborn babies but to see so many men looking at this one particular little girl, well, it's kinda creepy."

It is still unclear as to how many men exactly are claiming to be the baby's father but one thing is clear, the list is getting longer by the second.

"I don't care what anyone says. I know I'm the father," said a confident Dibbler. "All of these other guys are wasting their time and effort and I'm confident that I will be proven right."

Some men aren't so sure, "Sart knows that I'm the father," said BigDumbLefty. "She and I had one special night where she was my naughty little schoolgirl and I gave her a nine month homework assignment."

"Look I didn't come all the way over to England from the states for nothing," said stephencbt. "She knows that I'm the baby's daddy. She and I agreed to even call her Stephanie. I even sealed the deal with a couple of 1000 durability stamina zods."

"Stamina zods? I showed her a better time than that, I showed her my TP Bomber," said a beaming PaulCK. "I have the best of luck with gold boxes. However the night that Sart and I were together I had a little bad luck with a gold coin."
(Note....a gold coin has a prize in it....a condom, just to clarify)

There does appear to be one person that does know who the father is but they seem to be having difficulty remembering just who it wis. "All I know is that Sart and I were really drunk that night. She confided in me who the real father is but I honestly was so plastered that night I can't remember what she said," said an embarrassed Huggies.

There were several witnesses that night. pac, Jafo, Damifino, Kales, and even xSINISTERx just to name a few. Most of them who were on ventrillo that night will not forget that night for a very long time. But none of them can be sure who the father is either.

"Most of the men coming in here claiming to be the father has been very helpful with sperm samples to help solve this mess," said Nurse Betty, "except for BigDumbLefty. I've told him several times that we only need one sample and at last count we had eight. That man plays with himself more than an entire baseball team combined."

Although the father of the baby is still in doubt three men have been ruled out. Tenpin found out he wasn't the father early on and disappeared. Michael Jackson is not the father because we know he has never slept with a woman. The last person is kevinj1 simply because he is still chasing BigDumbLefty's wife.

There have been two other possibilities that have popped up in the last few days but both possibilities are odd and seemingly impossible. One is the AFLAC duck and the other is Groucho Marx. Neither seems possible but at this point nothing would suprise us.

Friday, November 21, 2008

EU Beats US Like Red Headed Stepchild. Wins Ryder Cup Convincingly

The EU team won the Ryder Cup in what can only be called a rout. The final tally was a whopping 30-18. The EU team got off to such a great start the US team never recovered and never really rallied to challenge the superior EU squad.

"There were alot of great close matches throughout the entire contest but we seemed to take control when we really needed to," said EU captain and mastermind behind the win, PaulCK. "We knew that there would be some matches that we might lose but overall I felt like we gave them a good thrashing."

"We all played pretty well I think," said HackandSlash who gained 3 points for EU, "We really showed those muppets who's boss."

HackandSlash wasn't the only one on the winning team to get all 3 points for EU, xzerus, FrankMad, dibdob, and PaulCK also won all their matches.

The US team had a few bright spots. Nomad never lost a match with one win and two ties. "I tried to do my part," said Nomad, "but I couldn't play in every match."

The EU team celebrated thru the night after their victory. So much so that HackandSlash fell asleep on the couch from all the beer he had consumed which we were able to get a picture of.

The US captain shoootermcgavin could not be reached for comment after Jafo came up to shoooter and requested shoooters presence behind Potter for a post match meeting with the rest of the team. We tagged along to hear what was said at the meeting however the rest of the team threw a potato sack over shoooters head and then they tossed him into a dumpster. We asked Nebuta for a comment but all he told us was to go find Andy_245, which we did. However Andy seemed to be filling out a form that said Russian Citizenship on it and he was crying.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

EU Takes Commanding Lead. US Team Holds Failed Rally

After the 2nd round of the Ryder Cup the EU team have found themselves with a demanding lead of 15-7 with just one match still left to be decided.

"It was just as bad as the first round," said roughstuff. Most of the US team admitted that it was "rough" watching the scores come in with them on the wrong side.

"We came into this round with a plan and that plan worked as well as we thought the plan would," said a smiling PaulCK. When asked to elaborate he said, "Well the US team is pretty simple minded. We knew if we bought them all SpankVision in their hotel rooms last night that they would be too tired to play today. Not to mention how sore their forearms would be. It was the best $150 I think I have ever spent."

We did ask one US team member if this was true and all they would say was, "It was crazy man. Just crazy." He asked not to be identified.

The EU team had some huge wins. JUNHINO and megwan had the biggest win of 6 & 4. HackandSlash with adonis159 and Silver93 with Khiss also had convincing wins. Even dibdob and PaulCK won without much difficulty. Just about everyone on the EU side had great matches.

The US team did have a few bright spots. Damifino28 and G8rBait stole a match on the last hole. Pisgah-Bear and xSINISTERx also won their match as well. The oddest win for the US team came when Hammerbro and DogsPlayingPoker arrived at the first tee only to find out that Martinlp and Tatoman had been given the wrong directions and arrived at a landfill and missed their match. An investigation has been launched and LrdDrkHlmt has been blamed for this incident.

The best match was between slimdan and bassbassist against Peacefrog and Nomad. The match was tight the entire way with the last 6 holes tied and the match halved.

"We tried everything to distract them," said slimdan. "We tried whoopie cushions and sneezing but those guys were focused."

The US team held a rally this evening to try and generate some hope and good feelings before starting the singles matches. We did get a sneak peak at the t-shirts that ShoooterMcGavin handed out.

Needless to say we think that the US team is in big big trouble.