Wednesday, August 5, 2009

KaddyShack Guild Takes “Tiger House”, Fact or Fiction??

By: TadBit Takanawa

Breaking News here at our News 4 Center. Has the KaddyShack Guild really taken the Tiger House from the Army in Motion Guild? Reporting Live on the ground in the Shot Online Square, in nearby Tiger Territory is Asian Reporter TadBit Takanawa. ‘TadBit…take it away’….Thank you Diane, Yes; this seems to be the case. This story is still unfolding; however I have first hand information that this is indeed a fact. Where, you ask??...ME!!! I am a member of the KaddyShack Guild, and when I’m not reporting for News 4, you can often see me playing, terribly I might say on Hela Course, out behind the Tiger House. We are about to move in for a closer look now, and there seems to be a lot of activity in and around that end of the square near Potters and The Tiger House. I am hearing what appears to be loud sobbing noises at the moment. It looks like it is coming from a small group of very cold and shaken members of the Army in Motion Guild. Our Guild Enforcers Nomad1, Wild-Bill and Xzerus are currently evicting these individuals from the house. Some appear to be soiling themselves. I will try and get a quote from one, but I can’t promise, as most seem to be overwhelmed with grief. Wait Diane; there is something happening out behind Potters. I’m going in for a closer look. Biff Hardbody the News 4 camera man is going in with me. AAAHHHHHHHHHH…, please; tell me I didn’t see what I thought I just seen. Somebody, quick, gouge out my eyes. Oh my God, Oh my God. Diane…I am at a loss for words at the moment. The former Guild Master and ‘Boss’ of Kaddy Shack, HackandSlash is performing some sort of sexual act on a small Pygmy Goat. My Cameraman tells me these small, innocent and protected animals come from the Cameroon Valley of West Africa. He also tells me that this ritual is known as felching. My knees went weak Diane. I am currently being helped away from this horrible crime scene by Biff. We are now going to take a look at the inside of the Tiger House if I can regain my footing. Renovations are in full swing at the moment and we will try and get some sort of perspective as to what these new changes are. We will try and speak with some of the contractors doing the work. Excuse me sir…I’m TadBit Takanawa with News 4; why are you replacing these windows in the building? They seem to be perfectly good. “These are shatterproof windows we’re installing Miss Tad”. Why are you installing shatterproof glass? “Isn’t Hela Course just mere steps away from the back of this building little lady?” Well, yes it is. “Do you have a Golfer named trafford05 in this Guild Miss?” Ahhhh, yes we do…. Ok say no more, thank you. Moving on Diane….Over here in the center of the Tiger House, they seem to be putting in a Dance Pole, requested, I am told by Damifino28. He just loves to support single moms. This is for the young ladies of the Guild; MckyM_26....PaulaCreamerxxx….misstressG....Es2sgirl to entertain the so called gentleman here. Wow, that’s more pole than I can handle Diane. Did I just say that out loud?? Oh my; someone stuff something into my mouth; quick. Ohhh crap, I did it again. There’s another member of the new Tiger Brigade BigDumbLefty standing nearby with a T-Shirt that says “I would like to stuff more than dollars bills into that G-String” Once again, moving on. I am now seeing what appears to be a small door being cut leading into a room, that I must say, I will definitely not enter. xSINISTERx, another fine Shackster is at the entrance and we will refrain from approaching him. However, I can see a small sign above that door that reads “If you are over 3’ 2” tall, KEEP THE FUCK OUT”. That’s our Sin. It has got to be his special Audio/Video room for the production of his films. He has a very lucrative Midget Porn Business. This business, I understand Diane is highly illegal in every State in the USA but Arkansas. There is also a small booth set up outside xSINISTERx’s studio; that reads “PaulCK’s Special Gel” cures everything from Hang Nails to Hemorrhoids. Also a great Male Enhancement Cream. I must say Diane, that this Gel works wonders if you can get past the burning. I have tried it on my most sensitive areas….errrrrr… I mean my skin and it is fantastic….wooooow. Well, we’ll be getting out of the way here and let these folks get back to work. We are now heading to the roof area where much work is taking place. I am seeing what I believe is a landing pad up here and Andy245 is standing on it. It looks as though he is in somewhat of a trance. Andy, can we get a couple of words from you? Andy, Andy…come in Andy. Wait Diane, there appears to be a bright light in the sky coming towards us at a high rate of speed. I’m not sure what it is. This is incredible. It’s getting closer, no wait……OH NO….SHITTTTTTTT……TadBit….TadBit, this is Diane. Well folks, it seems as though we are experiencing some sort of difficulty here. As soon as we re-establish communications with Tad and Biff on the ground we’ll have more on the KaddyShack takeover of the Tiger House. Now for the local weather.... Skippy, take it away……THE END

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Hack Steps Down, PaulCK Steps In

In a stunning development HackandSlash has stepped down as Guild Master of KaddyShack. PaulCK has gained control of the guild it appears via his damn irish luck.

"I just can't do it anymore," said a relieved Hack, "these muppets are just driving me crazy with all the attention they need. Not to mention all the self cleaning and ball washing that I have to witness. Oh, I thought we were talking about my cats!"

PaulCK seems very confident in his successful take over of KaddyShack. "Its really quite simple. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. KaddyShack will continue to set the standard for guilds within Shot Online. I still can't believe that a simple box of goat porn is all it took to take over the guild."

"Well in all fairness I did ask shoootermcgavin if he wanted the guild back," said Hack. "He said he needed to take a quick smoke break and he never got back to me."

"Well I really did want to take over the guild," said a disappointed BigDumbLefty, " but how can I run a guild when that bastard kevinj1 is around all the time asking my wife if she wants to take a spin 'Around The World' as he calls it."

We spoke to Wild-Bill but he told us that he was way to busy to even attempt running the guild. He told us that all of his free time has been taken up with his newest business adventure of a sex change shop. His penis removal kit is in its final stages of getting a patent and should be on the Home Shopping Network by Christmas.

When we spoke to stephencbt he was quoted saying, "I was told that there was a height requirement. Its bad enough I am not tall enough to ride half of the rides at DisneyWorld. Hell, they told me to go to Kansas and look for the yellow brick road."

According to markthefish, "I was feeding Hack as much alcohol as I could but before I knew it he was trying to call the dragon for a felch. Then he pissed himself and fell asleep."

The last submaster we spoke to was xzerus, "Well I had an opportunity to take over the guild but I had already wrestled the tournament team away from stephencbt. I am having enough fun with that."

We have heard rumors but cannot confirm that LrdDrkHlmt has already asked PaulCK for ng to take his tests again. Andy245 has also been rumored to be the head of security for PaulCK. There has been an investigation into the reappearance of Khiss, xTazz, and Abigal now that Hack has been replaced. However it is rumored that Abigal escaped the clutches of Hack's dungeon.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Stephencbt Doesn't Measure Up

Overlooked by many, in fact everyone to be honest, a tiny story broke in New York recently revealing one of our prominent members, stephencbt, is in fact a short-ass.
Known to all in KaddyShack as the Bus Company running, Aston Martin driving, Gold Box-aholic, stephencbt revealed his stunning deficiency at a recent golf outing with 2 other KaddyShack members, JollyJAF and “Shacker of the Year”, Pisgah-Bear.

“I’ve lived with this all my life” revealed Stephen, as we sat in the clubhouse on matchboxes drinking espresso’s.
“I never had the courage to tell anyone about my height until now, well, except for my best friends growing up, Action Man, Barbie & Ken. They never, well almost never, looked down on me because I was short. I always dreamed of being a normal bloke. I had heroes and role models just like everyone else. Stuart Little had a big influence on my childhood”.

In a moving interview, Stephen gave us a brief, insight into his childhood. “It was the simple things I missed out on as a child. I did have normal sized friends to start with but after the first couple of times we played hide-and-go-seek they didn’t want to know me anymore”, he said holding back the tears. His lack of height first hit home when he turned 7, in school. “I knew something was up when my classmates started making models of buildings out of Popsicle sticks and the teacher gave to my parents for me to live in at home”.

We tried to get some comments from other KaddyShack members in relation to this breaking story. While playing Cadeiger, we caught up with Trafford05 on the 13th hole of Rufus recovering another ball and asked for his thoughts. “Ha-ha!! What goes around comes around”, Traff told us, crying with laughter. “That little fecker has taken the piss out of me for the last 12 months because I go O.B so much. Well, I’ll play a round of golf with him later to cheer him up. I’m running low on tees anyway”.
We approached the GM, HackandSlash for his thoughts. “It explains a lot”, the boss told us. “At least we know now why he doesn’t use the auction house himself, because he can’t get up the stairs!” We asked him to give us his thoughts on Stephen but there was a bleating noise in the background, Hack got all fidgety, made his excuses and left.
PaulCK was equally unsympathetic. “I suppose this means he’s going to want the kiddie discount on the 48 tubes of gel he bought last week. Well, he can fuck off. There’s no refunds!”
Andy245 wasn’t surprised at all. “I’ve known for ages”, he told us. “When I was abducted by aliens for the third time last September and they probed me, it wasn’t like the previous times. This probe moved around. When they took it out I realised it was CBT. I originally thought I was dreaming and that Traff had hit another one O.B and that Stephen was looking for it in my ass but it all makes perfect sense now”.

Finally, we caught up with JollyJaf and Pisgah-Bear and got their thoughts. PB was, as usual, his diplomatic self. “To be honest with ya, me and Jolly feel like we got short changed. Those crooks in the clubhouse charged us admission for 3 adults”.

Action Man, Barbie, Ken and Stuart Little were unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The World According to Lord Dark Helmet

Hello my fellow Shackers! It seems that Damifino has lost is mind and giving me free reign to write anything I want in the Enquirer. I don't know about you but I find this very cool. I mean, I can say ANYTHING! I however will restrain myself, OK who am I fooling. I HAVE NO RESTRAINT!

In the World According to Lord Dark Helmet I'm going to give my opinion on a great many things. All I find funny and if you don't, well that's your problem and file all complaints with Hack2. Before I get into anything else I must first wish Andy245 good luck on his journey to be a semon. I also want to congratulate JoeBlo and HackandSlash on losing your TP Status. I'm not jealous or anything, I'm not laughing my ass off. Well OK, maybe I am but hey. I'm an asshole so what do you expect?

I saw trafford05 and toomer repelling off the tee box on the 2nd hole of Cads. When I asked them what they were doing trafford05 said "Getting all the golf balls we've lost, no bugger off!" I wish you guys good luck with your quest, your going to be there awhile. I also had the idea of asking Khiss a question but I heard him mumbling "AH AH AH, I want to drink Nomad's blood!" When I shared this with Nomad his reply was "Leave me alone! I'm eating my doughnuts!"

I've also recently had to wear sunglasses when playing with adonis. He looks like the KaddyShack version of Elton John. All he needs are the heart glasses but hey! I'm not judging or anything.

Well, it seems that is the World According to Lord Dark Helmet. Until next time my fellow Shackers I'm out!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Andy245 Goes To The High Seas

Our beloved Andy has joined the Coast Guard Auxiliary unit in Washington State. Of course his first attempt at getting on a boat went badly when he wasn't allowed to be a tugboat captain. Of course when they asked him who would be on his crew and he said Lieutenant Dan and kevinj1, you could probably see that one coming.

"I've always enjoyed water", said Andy, "I drink it all the time. As a matter of fact water makes up most of the earth. Did you know that and isn't that crazy?"

Crazy is the perfect one word to describe Andy. When we asked him what he was going to be doing for the Coast Guard he started off by saying something about Black Beard and Red Beard terrorizing the Puget Sound and he wanted to see if they were with the Russians.

"We had to explain to Andy several times that Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain Hector Barbossa are fictional characters," said Andy's new captain, Captain Hooker, "He keeps insisting that our crew should be made up of Popeye and Poopdeck Pappy. We've even caught him with the local one legged prostitute here and he keeps calling her The Sea Hag. We just call her Peggy."

"I'm so excited about this new job," said Andy, "I have been practicing at home by playing a lot of minesweeper on the computer. I'm getting pretty good at it too. I've been told that Davy Jones' Locker is even around here somewhere. I'm willing to bet that is what the aliens are looking for. Other than stealing cows milk that is."

So good luck to you Andy in your newest adventure. Hopefully this job will work out for you. Lord knows that if it doesn't the next job we see Andy in will still be on the high seas at Long John Silvers asking if you want fries or hush puppies with your order.

Friday, December 5, 2008

First Round Of Invitational Has Inviting Results

The top 16 Shackers started their end of the year tournament. The format being a random course and match play event. A few surprises have already occurred in just the first round.

Pisgah_Bear defeated adonis 2 & 1. The match was very competitive. "I think Pisgah might have been on viagra," said adonis, "he was hard, strong, and relentlessly hitting his balls into all the right places. I would protest but I'm being told that viagra is not a banned substance in this guild."

HackandSlash also won his opening match against PaulCK. "I knew that I would beat him when he kept trying to putt with his TP Bomber. Off the tee that's a terrific club to use but I don't even think Kales would use his driver on the greens. Although when Kales putts its hard to tell the difference sometimes," said a very confident Hack.

BigDumbLefty continues to struggle with his overall game and lost 2 up to xzerus. "Hell, with the way I played in the match you would have thought that we played a round on Forneus and Hela," said a frustrated Lefty. "I am really starting to believe that the koreans are out to get me. I have Andy_245 looking to see if the koreans have signed any peace treaties with any other galaxies since I can't get my stars to align."

Jafo was able to get past DogsPlayingPoker by showing DPP a big shiny object on every green. "I wouldn't call it cheating exactly," said Jafo, "I like to call it distracting."

Damifino28 defeated xSINISTERx. They warmed up for the match by playing a ladder match before hand which Damifino won as well.

G8rBait lost to dibdob 3 & 2. "I really didn't think it was fair," said an upset G8rBait, "the match was close until dibdob mentioned to me that Florida Gator football was not that great and then slipped on an Ole Miss golf shirt. I just couldn't concentrate after that."

Peacefrog defeated stephencbt by forfeit. Wild-Bill and urock were sent out to find stephencbt since he didn't show up. Where they found him and what he was doing at the time was odd according to Wild-Bill. "To find stephen in his backyard wasn't that odd. However to find him in a large gold box doing snow angels in a box full of shamrocks and screaming 'Give me the luck of the irish' was, well, really sad," said a still shaken Wild-Bill.

The last winner of the first round was OlderMan who was declared the winner over BassBassist. "I was really hoping to play against Mr. Bass," said OlderMan, "but I can totally understand why he didn't show up for the match. I mean to be given a tryout opportunity to be in a ABBA cover band is just a once in a life time opportunity."

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Sart Has Baby. Search For Real Father Begins

The long awaited time has finally arrived. Sart gave birth to a girl. Now the other part of the equation begins. Who is the real father?

"I've never seen anything quite like it," said Nurse Betty. "I'm used to seeing alot of people coming by the nursery to look at all the newborn babies but to see so many men looking at this one particular little girl, well, it's kinda creepy."

It is still unclear as to how many men exactly are claiming to be the baby's father but one thing is clear, the list is getting longer by the second.

"I don't care what anyone says. I know I'm the father," said a confident Dibbler. "All of these other guys are wasting their time and effort and I'm confident that I will be proven right."

Some men aren't so sure, "Sart knows that I'm the father," said BigDumbLefty. "She and I had one special night where she was my naughty little schoolgirl and I gave her a nine month homework assignment."

"Look I didn't come all the way over to England from the states for nothing," said stephencbt. "She knows that I'm the baby's daddy. She and I agreed to even call her Stephanie. I even sealed the deal with a couple of 1000 durability stamina zods."

"Stamina zods? I showed her a better time than that, I showed her my TP Bomber," said a beaming PaulCK. "I have the best of luck with gold boxes. However the night that Sart and I were together I had a little bad luck with a gold coin."
(Note....a gold coin has a prize in it....a condom, just to clarify)

There does appear to be one person that does know who the father is but they seem to be having difficulty remembering just who it wis. "All I know is that Sart and I were really drunk that night. She confided in me who the real father is but I honestly was so plastered that night I can't remember what she said," said an embarrassed Huggies.

There were several witnesses that night. pac, Jafo, Damifino, Kales, and even xSINISTERx just to name a few. Most of them who were on ventrillo that night will not forget that night for a very long time. But none of them can be sure who the father is either.

"Most of the men coming in here claiming to be the father has been very helpful with sperm samples to help solve this mess," said Nurse Betty, "except for BigDumbLefty. I've told him several times that we only need one sample and at last count we had eight. That man plays with himself more than an entire baseball team combined."

Although the father of the baby is still in doubt three men have been ruled out. Tenpin found out he wasn't the father early on and disappeared. Michael Jackson is not the father because we know he has never slept with a woman. The last person is kevinj1 simply because he is still chasing BigDumbLefty's wife.

There have been two other possibilities that have popped up in the last few days but both possibilities are odd and seemingly impossible. One is the AFLAC duck and the other is Groucho Marx. Neither seems possible but at this point nothing would suprise us.