Friday, December 5, 2008

First Round Of Invitational Has Inviting Results

The top 16 Shackers started their end of the year tournament. The format being a random course and match play event. A few surprises have already occurred in just the first round.

Pisgah_Bear defeated adonis 2 & 1. The match was very competitive. "I think Pisgah might have been on viagra," said adonis, "he was hard, strong, and relentlessly hitting his balls into all the right places. I would protest but I'm being told that viagra is not a banned substance in this guild."

HackandSlash also won his opening match against PaulCK. "I knew that I would beat him when he kept trying to putt with his TP Bomber. Off the tee that's a terrific club to use but I don't even think Kales would use his driver on the greens. Although when Kales putts its hard to tell the difference sometimes," said a very confident Hack.

BigDumbLefty continues to struggle with his overall game and lost 2 up to xzerus. "Hell, with the way I played in the match you would have thought that we played a round on Forneus and Hela," said a frustrated Lefty. "I am really starting to believe that the koreans are out to get me. I have Andy_245 looking to see if the koreans have signed any peace treaties with any other galaxies since I can't get my stars to align."

Jafo was able to get past DogsPlayingPoker by showing DPP a big shiny object on every green. "I wouldn't call it cheating exactly," said Jafo, "I like to call it distracting."

Damifino28 defeated xSINISTERx. They warmed up for the match by playing a ladder match before hand which Damifino won as well.

G8rBait lost to dibdob 3 & 2. "I really didn't think it was fair," said an upset G8rBait, "the match was close until dibdob mentioned to me that Florida Gator football was not that great and then slipped on an Ole Miss golf shirt. I just couldn't concentrate after that."

Peacefrog defeated stephencbt by forfeit. Wild-Bill and urock were sent out to find stephencbt since he didn't show up. Where they found him and what he was doing at the time was odd according to Wild-Bill. "To find stephen in his backyard wasn't that odd. However to find him in a large gold box doing snow angels in a box full of shamrocks and screaming 'Give me the luck of the irish' was, well, really sad," said a still shaken Wild-Bill.

The last winner of the first round was OlderMan who was declared the winner over BassBassist. "I was really hoping to play against Mr. Bass," said OlderMan, "but I can totally understand why he didn't show up for the match. I mean to be given a tryout opportunity to be in a ABBA cover band is just a once in a life time opportunity."

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Sart Has Baby. Search For Real Father Begins

The long awaited time has finally arrived. Sart gave birth to a girl. Now the other part of the equation begins. Who is the real father?

"I've never seen anything quite like it," said Nurse Betty. "I'm used to seeing alot of people coming by the nursery to look at all the newborn babies but to see so many men looking at this one particular little girl, well, it's kinda creepy."

It is still unclear as to how many men exactly are claiming to be the baby's father but one thing is clear, the list is getting longer by the second.

"I don't care what anyone says. I know I'm the father," said a confident Dibbler. "All of these other guys are wasting their time and effort and I'm confident that I will be proven right."

Some men aren't so sure, "Sart knows that I'm the father," said BigDumbLefty. "She and I had one special night where she was my naughty little schoolgirl and I gave her a nine month homework assignment."

"Look I didn't come all the way over to England from the states for nothing," said stephencbt. "She knows that I'm the baby's daddy. She and I agreed to even call her Stephanie. I even sealed the deal with a couple of 1000 durability stamina zods."

"Stamina zods? I showed her a better time than that, I showed her my TP Bomber," said a beaming PaulCK. "I have the best of luck with gold boxes. However the night that Sart and I were together I had a little bad luck with a gold coin."
(Note....a gold coin has a prize in it....a condom, just to clarify)

There does appear to be one person that does know who the father is but they seem to be having difficulty remembering just who it wis. "All I know is that Sart and I were really drunk that night. She confided in me who the real father is but I honestly was so plastered that night I can't remember what she said," said an embarrassed Huggies.

There were several witnesses that night. pac, Jafo, Damifino, Kales, and even xSINISTERx just to name a few. Most of them who were on ventrillo that night will not forget that night for a very long time. But none of them can be sure who the father is either.

"Most of the men coming in here claiming to be the father has been very helpful with sperm samples to help solve this mess," said Nurse Betty, "except for BigDumbLefty. I've told him several times that we only need one sample and at last count we had eight. That man plays with himself more than an entire baseball team combined."

Although the father of the baby is still in doubt three men have been ruled out. Tenpin found out he wasn't the father early on and disappeared. Michael Jackson is not the father because we know he has never slept with a woman. The last person is kevinj1 simply because he is still chasing BigDumbLefty's wife.

There have been two other possibilities that have popped up in the last few days but both possibilities are odd and seemingly impossible. One is the AFLAC duck and the other is Groucho Marx. Neither seems possible but at this point nothing would suprise us.

Friday, November 21, 2008

EU Beats US Like Red Headed Stepchild. Wins Ryder Cup Convincingly

The EU team won the Ryder Cup in what can only be called a rout. The final tally was a whopping 30-18. The EU team got off to such a great start the US team never recovered and never really rallied to challenge the superior EU squad.

"There were alot of great close matches throughout the entire contest but we seemed to take control when we really needed to," said EU captain and mastermind behind the win, PaulCK. "We knew that there would be some matches that we might lose but overall I felt like we gave them a good thrashing."

"We all played pretty well I think," said HackandSlash who gained 3 points for EU, "We really showed those muppets who's boss."

HackandSlash wasn't the only one on the winning team to get all 3 points for EU, xzerus, FrankMad, dibdob, and PaulCK also won all their matches.

The US team had a few bright spots. Nomad never lost a match with one win and two ties. "I tried to do my part," said Nomad, "but I couldn't play in every match."

The EU team celebrated thru the night after their victory. So much so that HackandSlash fell asleep on the couch from all the beer he had consumed which we were able to get a picture of.

The US captain shoootermcgavin could not be reached for comment after Jafo came up to shoooter and requested shoooters presence behind Potter for a post match meeting with the rest of the team. We tagged along to hear what was said at the meeting however the rest of the team threw a potato sack over shoooters head and then they tossed him into a dumpster. We asked Nebuta for a comment but all he told us was to go find Andy_245, which we did. However Andy seemed to be filling out a form that said Russian Citizenship on it and he was crying.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

EU Takes Commanding Lead. US Team Holds Failed Rally

After the 2nd round of the Ryder Cup the EU team have found themselves with a demanding lead of 15-7 with just one match still left to be decided.

"It was just as bad as the first round," said roughstuff. Most of the US team admitted that it was "rough" watching the scores come in with them on the wrong side.

"We came into this round with a plan and that plan worked as well as we thought the plan would," said a smiling PaulCK. When asked to elaborate he said, "Well the US team is pretty simple minded. We knew if we bought them all SpankVision in their hotel rooms last night that they would be too tired to play today. Not to mention how sore their forearms would be. It was the best $150 I think I have ever spent."

We did ask one US team member if this was true and all they would say was, "It was crazy man. Just crazy." He asked not to be identified.

The EU team had some huge wins. JUNHINO and megwan had the biggest win of 6 & 4. HackandSlash with adonis159 and Silver93 with Khiss also had convincing wins. Even dibdob and PaulCK won without much difficulty. Just about everyone on the EU side had great matches.

The US team did have a few bright spots. Damifino28 and G8rBait stole a match on the last hole. Pisgah-Bear and xSINISTERx also won their match as well. The oddest win for the US team came when Hammerbro and DogsPlayingPoker arrived at the first tee only to find out that Martinlp and Tatoman had been given the wrong directions and arrived at a landfill and missed their match. An investigation has been launched and LrdDrkHlmt has been blamed for this incident.

The best match was between slimdan and bassbassist against Peacefrog and Nomad. The match was tight the entire way with the last 6 holes tied and the match halved.

"We tried everything to distract them," said slimdan. "We tried whoopie cushions and sneezing but those guys were focused."

The US team held a rally this evening to try and generate some hope and good feelings before starting the singles matches. We did get a sneak peak at the t-shirts that ShoooterMcGavin handed out.

Needless to say we think that the US team is in big big trouble.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Damifino and PaulCK loving life. Stephencbt Cries Foul

In a bizarre week, KaddyShack has become overrun with bombers. Gold and Silver bombers to be precise. In a rare occurrence for KaddyShack, Damifino and PaulCK were out celebrating after being 2 of the 20 lucky people drawn out to receive the repairable TP Bombers. Messages of congratulations have been flooding in to the two lucky recipients.

"I can't believe it," exclaimed Dam. "I didn't even know I was in the draw! The funny thing is, I was just topping off Lefty’s online pizza account with 10 dollars and the only option I had to add the money was Google. I've never put any money into this silly game."

PaulCK was equally surprised. "It's amazing. I've never won anything. I once got 2nd place in a beauty contest and received $200 for passing GO but other than that I can't recall anything."

However, not all of the KaddyShack team are overjoyed with the good news received by 2 of its members. Tournament Director and Gold box-aholic stephencbt was far from impressed. "It's an absolute scandal! I'm outraged. I had to lay off 4 employees during the last gold box sale and all I got was 378 freaking stam zods and 654 mopsos. I've max'd out 6 different credit cards and American Express is refusing to up my credit limit. I’m not going to let this go. I’m taking this to the powers that be!”

Stephen continued,” I've requested 3 meetings now with our Guild Master HackandSlash. The first two were conference calls and when I dialed the number all I got was some fainting goat sex line, the 3rd meeting was scheduled for London, but when I got there he never showed up. I'm at my wits end. There are 3 horse heads in the mail. Those 2 jammy bastards will get theirs, although Hack’s will end up being returned to sender.”

We asked Wild-Bill for his comments, to which he responded “Fuck em”. We then tracked down Shooter McGavin who had just finished some gardening in a field in Nevada. “Sorry, I’ve heard nothing. I’ve been busy planting a few thousand marajuana, I mean, marigold plants, err, for, err, an outdoor garden when my Dutch Style Coffee Shop opens next year. Yeah, that’s it. BassBassist is coming to be my general manager. Maybe he'll even bring an oven with him.”

Andy245 was more helpful when we asked him what he thought of the whole situation. “Well it’s quite simple really,” replied Andy. “Stephen is actually from the planet Algar while Dam and PaulCK are from Zaglak. These 2 planets have been feuding for centuries. It’s no wonder there’s hostile feelings between them. It won’t be settled until the next intergalactic senate meeting is held in 2348." Andy245 continued to talk to us for the next 2 hours but me mostly rambled on about Krypton and Mars hookers.

In one final attempt to get to the bottom of the hostilities, we decided to contact the GM, HackandSlash. Unfortunately, the F.B.I. and Scotland Yard refused to reveal his location or even if he existed. Flossy the goat refused to be interviewed. However a man named Nigel did appear to speak with us and provided us with a disturbing picture.

Edit: News just in – stephencbt has been found on top of the Empire State Building threatening to jump. It appears that Shot Online has given out sets of plus 2 stat gloves and hats. He was heard babbling “I can’t believe that Irish bastard got those gloves and shoes. They’re mine I tell you, mine!”

Las Vegas Police Officer Nomad was seen floating to the scene in an attempt to talk him down.

Story written mostly by PaulCK with a little Damifino tweeking.

Monday, October 27, 2008

EU Takes Early Lead. US Tries To Regroup

"We knew the US team had talent, but we have even more talent," explained EU Captain PaulCK. "It's still extremely early but we feel that we can take this momentum and win the cup," PaulCK added.

The EU team took an early 6.5 to 4.5 point lead over the overconfident US team in the 4-ball play with one match left to be decided. FrankMad and xzerus got the ball rolling with a one sided win over US Captain shoootermcgavin and Peacefrog 7 & 6. "We knew we had them when Peacefrog held up two fingers. We thought he was telling us peace but then we realized thats how many cases of beer he'd drank that day," said xzerus.

The one match left to be decided is a very interesting match with HackandSlash and adonis159 against Jafo and xSINISTERx. "It's no suprise that HackandSlash wouldn't appear," said stephencbt. HackandSlash has promised to show up and play his round soon.

The EU team had other big wins with teammates such as Angry Bob and Dibbler Jnr, Martinlp and Tatoman, and SlimDan and BassBassist.

The US team had a few bright spots but only a few. JollyJAF and JoeyMaz won convincingly as did Nebuta and Nomad.

The best match by far of the first round was JUNHINO and megwan for the EU and Pisgah Bear and OlderMan. The match was tight throughout and the match ended up being halved.

We asked to speak with the US Captain, shoootermcgavin, but he asked he could have a quick smoke and after waiting for over 3 hours for him to return we went to BigDumbLefty for answers.

"Well its really not the entire teams fault," said BDL. "I threw a party for team building reasons at my liquor store and some guys just went a bit overboard. Rover66 didn't get blasted but Damifino28 went overboard with his drinking. We'll sober up and make a match of it yet. I'm filling beer bottles with RedBull and Amp right now."

HackEnSlash and peterb of EU was seen celebrating their win with a Molson and Guiness respectively.

BigDumbLefty was nice enough to let us take a picture of his store. Andy_245 is outside of the store. The woman could not be identified before this story was printed.

Editors note. An error was made in this story when it was found that the EU is running this tournament. It was incorrectly reported that Angry Bob and Dibbler Jnr won their match against JoeBlo2 and LrdDrkHlmt when actually it was the other way around. Unfortunately this reporter went by what he read on the site and didn't actually look at the columns. So this just goes to show that the EU is doing everything they can to cheat the US out of the Ryder Cup. Go USA!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Kevinj1 Starts Busing Service In North Platte

Kevinj1 is doing his part to curve global warming. Kev, as he's called by his friends, has started a busing company and has picked a small town in Nebraska to try out his newest product. His idea is innovative and new for sure. Whats it called you ask? Ride The Handicapped.

"I picked North Platte for a couple of reasons. One, its relatively flat land so we don't have to worry about any blowouts going downhill and we can keep a schedule with no uphills as well. The other reason is my newest love interest and co-partner, BDL's wife," said kev.
"I knew he'd finally move in on my wife and I should be upset. But kev and I have worked out a timeshare plan that we are both comfortable with. Plus I can pay for the bus with pizza and I love pizza," BDL said with a slice of sausage and onion pizza in his hand.

"I have always wanted to ride kev," said Mrs. BDL, "now I can do it every day and not just on my way to work. This is awesome."

When asked what the uniform would look like kev quickly pulled out the shirt.
"I'm very excited about this idea. I think this is great for the town, the environment, and Lefty's wife. It's a win, win, and win all the way around," said kev.

Kevinj1 is still looking for a shop for chair maintenance but has identified a vacant building next to a liquor store. Rent negotiations are still ongoing but kev feels confident that he can get the bus company running by November 1st. A schedule will be released soon and Lefty is even painting the bus stop signs.

Sheep Vote In Union, HackandSlash Served With Restraining Order

"Finally!!!" was heard from Baba Blacksheep. "We've been after this for some time now and we finally can have representation to handle our major issues."

Sheep all over Europe overwhelmingly voted for a union. Blacksheep said that they wanted to form a union for several reasons but the biggest uniting thing was the treatment they received from HackandSlash. "To say that he is a bit rough with us when he gets worked up is an understatement," said Blacksheep. He detailed very disturbing things that this reporter just doesn't feel comfortable with. Blacksheep did refer us to their lawyer, Harry Nutsack.
"Mr. HackandSlash is a very disturbed and violent man. Some of the things he does to these sheep he won't even do to his wife, and she might be thankful for that," said Mr. Nutsack. "We have had him served with a restraining order already. He won't be allowed to be within 500 meters of any sheep herd in Europe. We have also asked the judge to order that HackandSlash turn over all of his "disguises" he uses to sneak up on the sheep. We have several videos of him using several of his techniques. I'm confident that we can slow him down. I'm not sure we can stop him completely."

"We have already created a t-shirt to sell to help support our union and our cause. We are sure that HackandSlash will fight this restraining order and a court battle will be very expensive. But we are willing to use some of this money for rehab for HackandSlash and we hear that it can be very costly and painful," said Blacksheep.
"We weren't sure if we could get the herd to vote the union in but after we invited Geddy Lee from the rock band RUSH to speak to the herd we felt confident that we'd get the votes. I mean if he and his band mates can write a song in support for trees to get a union why can't he help us sheep get one as well," said Blacksheep.

HackandSlash could not be reached for comment but his wife did tell us that he had been spotted at a pet store in the neighborhood and asking what goats liked to eat other than grass.

Friday, August 1, 2008

KS Poll Results Are In

The results from the 2 latest KaddyShack polls are in.

Question #1 - Does the guild need improvement?

Out of 30 responses - 21 say the guild is just fine as it is
5 say no complaints
5 say they are leaving if there are leaving if no changes are made soon.

Question #2 - What would make the guild more exciting for you?

Out of 31 responses - 16 say we need more female members (what a shocker)
5 say more guild vs guild tournaments
3 say more guild tournaments
2 say trying to get a guild house
1 says other

I'd like to add a few editorial comments here.

  • First of all I must admit I am somewhat disappointed in the poll results in so much as we have a membership of over 125 people between both of our guilds and only 31 people took the time to respond to the poll questions.

  • Secondly to those who responded that they are leaving if something is not done soon; please contact one of the guild admin's to discuss any grievances you have.

  • Lastly to those who responded that they would like to see more females join the guild I say this. Yeah Buddy !!

A New Tour Pro at KaddyShack

The Kaddyshack News team offers our congratulations to SH@NK for his success in passing the latest Tour Pro test. We also with acknowledge the herculean effort this took on his part. In preparation for the test SH@NK has selflessly spent hours upon hours hitting golf ball after golf ball, cracking beer can after beer can all in the name of attaining this lofty goal. We are all very proud of him!

Gratz m8 !

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

More Semi-Pro's Join The Fold

HackandSlash is proud to report that Dibbler_Jnr, GizzmoAsus, and roughstuff all recently passed their semi-pro tests. Congrats to the boys for passing their tests.
Dibbler_Jr was heard after the round, "Thank goodness thats over."
We weren't sure if that referred to the actual round or if Sartael was "up to something". More details are to follow.
Sartael was asked afterwards if Rufus or Volcano rounds would be in her near future and she quickly blurted out, "Fuck NO!!!!!!!!!!"

BigDumbLefty Does His Part For The Economy

BigDumbLefty has attempted to keep his liquor store patrons involved in his activities before but he has really stepped up his efforts. "Lefty" has attempted to stimulate the economy in Nebraska as well as get "stimulated" in the local strip club establishments.
"Lefty is a very gentle loving man," says Abigal. "He is always stuffing $5 down my g-string instead of the typical $1 I get from murfee. Whom I believe is still underage."
We asked Abigal if there were any other patrons in the immediate area that gave her a hard time.
"Well Jafo is "ok" but he says I'm not tall enough for his tastes. paC is nice but he give me a $5 and then asks for change! Damifino is well....Damn if I know."
Lefty was reached for comment for this story however he said a "Medusa" would not allow his to make a comment at this time. However he did give us a sign that he has been handing out to those who are willing to help out.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

New Dragon Discovered

Kaddy Shack News has learned that HackandSlash, our infamous leader, had decided to enter into a peace agreement with the dragon. Our reporter in the London office, Alfred G. Feltcher, has told us that there were very special terms to this agreement which MUST remain a private matter. Hack did say however that "changes have been made" in order to keep the peace.

Well "private matters" do not stop KaddyShack News from getting to the root of the story, so to speak. We have posted what we believe to be "the change" that Hack was speaking of.

(image captured by Alfred's anal cam)

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Membership News - New Semi-Pro

Congratz to Martinlp who passed his SP test. Martin is, at this time, a level 45 who has been with the guild since the end of April 2008.

Great job Martin and welcome to the ranks of SP.